It’s official: the H1N1 epidemic has ballooned to epic proportions. And I’m not talking about the disease itself. I’m talking about the epidemic of people  freaking out about a lesser version of the seasonal flu.

If we had the time, we could study this hysteria and learn lessons about about common sense, the realities of disease transmission, statistical significance, and the effects of the mass media on different populations. But since we’ve got our hands full trying to get the most out of young employees, we’ll look at what it can also teach us about communicating with them.

Today I read a report that a university has asked students not to play beer pong because they might transmit swine flu to other students. Dr. Leslie Lawrence, medical director of the school’s health center, sent a message to students saying, “While it might seem fun over the weekend, it will not be enjoyable when you and your friends are sick and missing class or midterm examinations.”

Because he made that statement, Dr. Lawrence is going to play the starring role in today’s edition of “DON’T EVER DO THAT. FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SERIOUSLY. DON’T.”

The way I see it, Dr. Lawrence made four glaring mistakes in that single sentence.

First and foremost, the good doctor has used a pretty condescending tone. “While it might seem fun” is an irritating construction that suggests (a) that he knows better than we do what is fun, and (b) that we are incapable of evaluating the possible consequences of a given activity.

Second, Dr. Lawrence’s has threatened weak consequences: missing classes and exams. He’s not breaking any hearts with those outcomes. Just ask my freshman economics teacher - I frequently missed class without being sick. If it was too cold out, or too nice out, or I had slept too little, or too much… Moreover, if I needed a few days to study for an exam and I knew that “I have swine flu” could translate into a reason for a teacher to keep me out of her class, I would definitely “come down with it.”

Third, doctor’s vocabulary is outdated. “Examinations” are not something college students take today. I took tests in college. I took exams in college. I never once took an examination because I didn’t go to school in the 1950’s.

Lastly, the doctor isn’t concerning himself with the issues reality suggests he should. Beer pong is a drinking game that has been played on college campuses for a good while now. Diseases like mono and cold sores have been present during that time, and presumably the doc hasn’t sent out blast e-mails cautioning students about the risk of getting those college classics after playing beer pong. It appears he didn’t even send one about the seasonal flu, which the CDC reports kills 36,000 Americans annually. (Swine flu has reportedly killed 5,400 people worldwide.)

So, aside from looking like I’m making a mean-spirited attack on a well-meaning medical practitioner, what points am I trying to make about communicating with your young employees?

1. Don’t talk down to your young employees. We can tell. You are not our parents. Don’t tell us to take our jackets when it’s cold.

2. If you’re going to threaten consequences, make them real consequences. I remember in high school a typical punishment for cutting class was to suspend the student. It’s hardly a deterrent when it’s what the person wants in the first place.

3. Don’t talk like it’s 1950. It’s the year 2009. Use natural language. (Props are due to the doctor, though, for not trying to use colloquialisms with which he isn’t familiar.)

4. Don’t come to me with crazyness. If you’re going to unravel a new policy aimed at stopping $0.07 of loss at an expense of ten minutes of my time (at minimum wage that would be a cost of $0.73), I’m not going to buy in. While your young employees might sometimes lack the level of social sophistication you’d like, we’re products of the information age. That means we are sophisticated consumers of information who have a lot of data, analyze it, and draw conclusions rapidly. Give me the data that sells me on your proposed change, or don’t give me the proposal at all.

So keep these points in mind next time you’re dealing with your young employees, lest you start your own epidemic of bad communication techniques.