Helicopter Parents (and Teachers) and the Independence they are Preventing

I'm writing this at 30,000 feet jetting to New York to tape an interview for an ABC News prime time special (set to air in June) on the topic of over-involved parents of coming-of-age children, dubbed 'helicopter parents.' Show producers have asked me to comment on how recent college grads raised by parents that have always "hovered over them" are making out in the real world, and specifically as they transition into careers.

As you might suspect, the diagnosis isn't pretty. And we're not talking about an insignificant number of young adults, either.

When asked to evaluate the knowledge base, raw skills, and the upside potential that their new Gen Why recruits bring to the job, leaders in all sectors of business and industry report that they are somewhere between satisfied and delighted. However, when asked about the maturity, responsibility, and overall capacity to cope with the pressures, deadlines, and rigorous demands of an entry-level career position in the present day, the comments take an immediate U-turn. Evidently, parental hovering has had a major impact on business. As we continue to see a mass exodus of boomers into retirement, managers must brace for a large influx of street-wise, book-smart, techno savvy upstarts that have a propensity for being real-world deficient and workplace-challenged.

The managing partner in a PR firm recently told me, "When they (Gen Whys) are significantly challenged, instead of rolling up their shirtsleeves and grinding it out late into the evening, they think it's perfectly acceptable to go home and wait for someone else to come up with the solution the next day. Unfortunately for all of us, 'someone' has always been there to pull them out of the muck and when no one is standing by to throw them a rope, they're rendered helpless."

Every good parent wants their children to succeed, as well they should. The problem occurs when a parent shields their child from the consequences of their actions. Granted, no mom or dad wants their 6-month-old to experience the outcome of swallowing a thumbtack, and they surely don't want to see their 4-year-old fall and hurt himself when he is learning how to ride a bike. But to email them a daily 'to do' list while they are away at college? Houston, we have a problem.

So this begs the question, "When is it okay to take the training wheels off and let junior experience a bloody knee?"

For an alarming number of parents with children in high school, college, and even older, the answer is 'not yet.' Although they may no longer strap them into secure child-safety seats, fit them with bicycles and skating helmets, hand them trophies even when they lose, and ask them each night what they'd prefer for dinner, an alarming number of parents never stop trying to be the hero in their kids' lives, swooping down when danger lurks to rescue them from the big bad world. Even when their child is no longer a child.

From daily wake-up calls to their cell phones so they won't oversleep and miss class, to researching and writing term papers for them, to bringing them to a job interview and sitting in the waiting room for "moral support" (yes, a client told me this actually happened during the courting of a 24-year-old candidate), hovering parents truly believe they are helping their kids while they are protecting them from life's harsh realities and letting them learn the important-albeit painful--lessons that are a prerequisite to independence and success.

Business leaders are clearly miffed. "I can't make them see that dress rehearsal is over and this is the stage that their life is played out on" is the way one recruiter for a large investment banking firm put it. "They are no longer allowed to retake the final exam, there is no acceptable number of tardies, and no one at home can call in for them and excuse a poor performance."

This edict points the finger at more than just the parents of these maladjusted young employees, to be sure. There may soon be an exposé of 'helicopter teachers' that shines the light on those well-intending (or completely ignorant) educators who, in an effort to protect their students from the unpleasant outcomes of poor performance and bad decisions, either do too much for them-or worse, ask too little of them.

Many graduates are obviously entering 'the real world' with impressive academic records, but without a clear understanding of how choice and consequence are inseparable bedfellows. These young people are not ready to battle hardship on their own, and they are ill-equipped to survive independently in a world that is anything but fair.

The most challenging speeches I've given throughout my twenty-year career as a professional speaker are those for parents, usually presented in a local school cafeteria in the evening after a day of student assemblies. You see, as a parent and a step-parent of four Gen Why kids now aged 19-to-25, I have made every mistake a parent could make and it is humbling to try to give advice to other parents as an 'expert.' So to muster up the nerve to face them, I visualize myself and my wife sitting in the front row, and I speak the words that we need to hear. "We are not raising children, we are raising adults. We need to prepare them, not protect them for what comes next."

Listen carefully to what business leaders are telling us about their new workforce. Then remember that while you want your students to solve problems and achieve high scores, coming up with the 'right answer' will not be nearly as important to their future success as the process they used to get there.

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